What should you do when you hear kids using fat as a pejorative?
Maybe someone called your kid fat in camp and they've now run home in tears.
Maybe you hear your kids discussing fat/skinny as an insult/compliment while they're playing.
Maybe one of your kids is fat and another is skinny and the fat kid is starting to notice and feel badly about it.
Maybe your child comes to you and asks, "Am I fat?" or says sadly, "I'm so fat."
We know there comes a time (we hope) when our kids will ask us the hard questions. I have no idea what to do with 99% of those. I hope I can help you with this one, though.
As with nearly anything else in life, our children learn the most from our example. We can talk until we're blue in the face about the value of being a nice person, but if we're not nice people, chances are our children won't grow up to be nice either. (Just a hypothesis. Like I said, I'm no parenting expert.)
So, the first line of action is to strengthen your understanding of Health at Every Size. To start with, do not comment on people's bodies. Certainly not children or teenagers, or in the earshot of teenagers, but really- can we please just stop commenting on people's bodies, period?
Learn the basics, and then process them. Understand your hesitations enough to articulate them to someone who can clarify them, and repeat until you truly feel, in your bones, that a person can be fat and still be healthy and feel comfortable, confident, and happy in their body.
--OK great. I'll work on that. But what if my child tells me she's fat, today?
I hear you.
And you can help your children feel comfortable, confident, and happy in their bodies even before you are fully on board.
First of all, empathize. Sit with them in their sadness. Do NOT rush to say, 'No honey, you're not fat! Who said you are fat?!! That must be so hurtful!"
Don't say that.
Because, you see, it's possible that your child is actually fat. It's possible they will be fat for many more years as they go through puberty; it's possible even that they'll always be fat.
And they need to be reassured that their body is OK.
Not that it's not fat, but that it's OK, however it is.
You can validate their pain by saying, "I see how hurt you are. It's really, really mean when people use our bodies to try to make us feel bad."
Then, even if you haven't yet done the questioning and clarifying and understanding fully yet, you can say, "I don't know why it is that people often say fat like it's a bad thing, as if the only body that's good is a skinny one. We know that's not true. Just like G-d created us all with different hair colors, some people tall and some people short, some people with freckles and some people with dark skin, some people have skinnier bodies, and some people have fatter bodies. Every kind of body is a good body."
Your child will likely have questions, perhaps they won't want to accept what you've said. Depending on their age, they might roll their eyes.
You won't necessarily have made them feel better right then.
But trust me, you've planted the right seeds. When it happens again, they might still feel hurt, but they'll also remember your words. They trust you, and more so, they want to believe that you are telling the truth. They want to believe that their body is okay. You are giving them permission to be who they already are, and not to feel badly about that.
*The above applies equally to a son as to a daughter. I didn't do the (s)he or she/he thing because it doesn't flow as well, but if you have a son struggling with body image, please try to swap the 'she' for 'he' in your head and know that the principles apply the same way.
**I highly recommend the book, A Kids Book About Body Image by Rebecca Alexander. This book is an easy, quick read. It reads like a kids' book, without pictures. I think it is best suited for ages 8-16, approximately.
(Also, if you're a parent who has some skinny kids and some fat kids, it's imperative- I know that's a big word, but I mean imperative, here- that you treat your fat kids and your skinny kids the same. Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility is the number one recommended framework for feeding children to foster a healthy relationship with food and their bodies and help them grow normally according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, and other leading organizations.
Children are perceptive and it's about more than just 'not putting one kid on a diet while the others are not on diets'. You must recognize that it's normal, and completely okay, for your children to have different bodies from each other (and also different appetites from each other). Try your hardest never to make one child feel like his siblings' body is more desirable, healthier, or more beautiful than his own.
For more guidance on how to implement Satter's Division of Responsibility in your home, to prevent your kids from getting stuck in the mire of diet culture and help them develop a truly healthy lifestyle, reach out! I'd love to work with you.)
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