Our society has long considered it socially inappropriate to comment about someone’s weight gain, but commenting on someone’s weight loss is often still considered a winning compliment. In my last post I discussed that perhaps we need to rethink this, and not comment on people’s bodies, ever, at all. I know that many wonder, “but what’s wrong with commenting on someone’s body in a positive way?” They worked hard for something, that deserves to be acknowledged! When we comment on someone’s weight loss, we imply that they were less ‘worthy/beautiful/accomplished’ before they lost the weight. We reinforce their feeling better about themselves in their new, thinner body. Finally, they’ve arrived! Until they haven’t. 95% of people who lose weight regain that weight (and many regain more) within 5 years. (This is our bodies trying to help us survive in a famine and keep us at a healthy weight for our normal development.) Imagine the frustration, guilt, feelings of failure, shame, incompetence, and self-loathing that overcome a person who regains weight which he was so praised for losing? When we praise a person for losing weight, we are setting them up for those feelings. In all likelihood (in the absence of an illness in which case, see previous post) people will regain weight they lost. If they don’t, they may be spending 98% of their mental and emotional energy on maintaining their weight loss. Does that seem healthy? Do we want to be contributing to that? (Not to mention the prevalence of eating disorders and their harmful effects. I’ll save that for another post.) If they gained weight, they may be feeling uncomfortable in their bodies. Commenting on it will only serve to make them feel more uncomfortable and self conscious. If they’ve lost weight, they may be waiting or even expecting a comment, but this will only serve to reinforce their negative feelings about their higher weight in the past and future. By refraining from commenting on people’s bodies or weight, we shift the focus away from externals (that we have less control of than we’d like to believe) and can in turn encourage people spending more mental and emotional (and physical and financial, for that matter) energies on accomplishing more important things. “How are you?” “It’s so great to see you!” “I love that color on you!” “I love your outfit!” “Have you read any good books lately?” “Did you know monkeys in the wild don’t actually eat bananas unless they steal them from plantations because bananas are actually a strictly domesticated plant?” So many options! There are so many things you can say to someone when you see them, that do not focus on their weight. Each time we choose not to compliment on someone’s weight loss and instead offer up a compliment that reinforces that they have worth no matter the size of their body, we offer them the silent reassurance that not everyone is judging them based on their appearance and they can be free to invest their physical and mental energy into pursuits that bring them more joy and returns. One person at a time, we can slowly shift the focus of our culture.
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