"As a child I never heard one woman say to me, 'I love my body.' Not my mother, my elder sister, my best friend--no one woman has ever said to me, 'I am so proud of my body.' So I make sure to say it to <my daughter> because a positive physical outlook has to start at an early age." -Kate Winslet
Hear, hear.
When my daughter was just 4 years old, an adult relative said to her, "Am I fat?"
I guess she sensed from her tone that "fat" was a bad thing to be, and she replied, "No."
The gratified response was quick in coming, "I love you! You're the best."
Perhaps you've found yourself in a similar situation--whether as the seeker of reassurance that you're not (G-d forbid) fat, or as the one socially aware enough to be quick to reassure, or perhaps as a bystander noting inwardly how awkward and foolish this accepted exchange is.
I cringed, but I ignored it so as not to make a big deal or offend anyone. But I know I won't be able to ignore it forever, nor, truthfully, do I want to. I know that sooner than I expect, my daughter will realize that people view being fat as a bad thing and that many people speak not nicely about their bodies.
Do you agree that it has become socially accepted to speak badly of our bodies?
"Uch, nothing in my closet fits me, I gained so much weight." "I can't wear that, I look huge."
"I can't stand next to her in pictures, she's so much smaller than me!"
"I hate looking at myself since I had kids, I am so fat."
How do these phrases make you feel when you read them? In the context of every day conversation, we often laughingly agree with them, or just let them slide, because we are so used to them.
What would it be like to speak nicely about our bodies, or at least to think nicely about our bodies, and not let ourselves speak unkindly about them?
We weren't born hating our bodies, we learned that. And we can train ourselves to appreciate our bodies, instead.
"My body has changed a lot recently, which I know is normal. Lots of my clothing doesn't fit me and I don't feel good in them. It's time to look for some new clothing that I feel good in now! I love a reason to shop for myself!"
"I love this style, it's so me! It doesn't make me look as small as can be, but I don't mind this time, since I really love the aesthetic and my goal in life doesn't need to be to take up as little space as possible."
"I love having pictures together with my good friends! It's not often that I get out and spend time with my friends these days, and it's so nice to have pictures to remember our fun nights out. We definitely don't look the same, but we both bring so much to the relationship. I learn a lot from who she is as a person, and I know she learns a lot from me too."
"I know I don't look the same as before I had kids, but I am grateful to be a mom and this is part of the territory! I know my kids see me as more than a sagging belly, and I recognize that I have a lot to be proud of myself for too. I always try to be in pictures with my kids so we have what to look back at together to remember these hectic, fun years."
These phrases might sound unrealistic; embarrassing, even. But imagine how much happier you would be if these were the phrases you spoke to yourself, instead of self deprecating, negative body talk. We all have what to be proud of. We can go against the grain and focus on those things.
I hope that when my daughter hears negative body talk, she is confused, because it doesn't jive with what she hears at home regularly. I hope she comes to ask me about it. I hope my answers satisfy her, and I hope she feels permission to go against the grain and love her body despite the fact that so many people who are older and seemingly wiser than her do not love theirs. And I hope that by the time she is the older, and wiser adult for the next generation, her daughters (and sons) will not need to learn permission to accept their bodies--it will be as normal to them as accepting their eye colors and shoe size.
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