Your parents are my older siblings, and gurus of sorts to me. I ask their advice on practically everything, and even when it's unsolicited I am almost always grateful for it. Heaven knows I've made (am making) plenty of mistakes of my own, but it's still nice to have others openly tell me what they learned along the way when they were where I am now.
You're about the same many years apart from me as I am from your parents and in some ways you're like the little sisters I never had. I still can't believe you're teenagers already! And I still can't believe you don't want my hand-me-downs (seems I'm not as with-it as I always thought). You're all beautiful, spunky, funny, thoughtful, and kind. I know I'm biased, but I think those are really all true.
I see you now, navigating the peer pressure - what is socially acceptable not only to wear and go and say, but also what is socially acceptable to bring for lunch and eat at recess and (say you) eat for supper.
I remember those days, the days of listening to my (really awesome) counselors talk about how amazing it felt to skip the cake that they were so tempted by, or watch girls run laps around camp in pursuit of weight loss (they didn't even pretend it was for fun. The pursuit of weight loss itself was enough of a challenge for them to qualify as their summer sport.) I remember the summer I hung a paper that had a picture of a 'zipped lip' with the words 'Its not worth it' over the top part of my cubby where I kept my snack in camp. People walked by and thought I meant lashon hara isn't worth it, but my intention was far less lofty- and far more fleeting. The weight came off, and came back on, not long after. Thank Gd, my relationship with food never worsened to the point that it affected my physical or mental health in severely negative ways; I know many others who are not as lucky. But I do remember that summer, when I was obsessed.
Now that I'm a registered dietitian who has studied some of the research about Intuitive Eating and Health At Every Size, I'd love to share some unsolicited 'sisterly' or 'aunt-ly' advice that I wish I had known back when I was your age, around the time of that summer, starting with a game of 'myth vs. fact'.
#1- Being fat is unhealthy. Being skinny is healthy.
.... Myth. You cannot (CAN. NOT.) tell a person's health status simply by looking at them. There are healthy behaviors, or habits, that affect health, as well as many other factors which are greatly affected by genetics.
Since weight loss in and of itself is not a behavior, it is not a good 'goal' to work on when looking to improve your health. If you lose weight in a way that's not healthy (including restricting calories or restricting food groups like carbohydrates or restricting foods that you enjoy) that is not healthy! It's far healthier to try to adopt healthier behaviors and move away from the goal of weight loss entirely.
#2 - Dieting may not be the healthiest thing, but it's not like it's harmful either, so if everyone else is talking about it and doing it, I'll just do the same- no big deal!
.... MYTH! MYTH MYTH MYTH! This one sounds my alarms big time, because it's one of the most widespread misconceptions about weight loss and dieting. Dieting absolutely has long term negative benefits. Dieting is actually a precursor for weight gain in the future. Dieting (restricting caloric intake, eating based off of external cues instead of internal biological hunger and fullness cues) slows down your metabolism and essentially mutes your internal hunger and fullness cues, making it much more likely for you to eat past fullness without realizing, as soon as you are not paying close (read: obsessive) attention to what you're eating.
These are just 2 of the many harmful effects of dieting, there are more, but this letter is getting long and I've got more unsolicited advice to offer... The more practical stuff. Like what you should do, after I've told you lots of what not to do. Your friends are dieting, and talking about dieting. They may be talking about how they look, what they don't like about how they look, what they wish was different about how they look, and what they can and can't wear to accentuate how they look different than how they wish they looked. You're taking this all in, because you're socially aware, popular, bright. I just told you (in case it wasn't clear) please DON'T DIET.
Don't worry about your weight. One of the most fascinating things I learned in nutrition school is the concept of set-point theory: Every person has a set weight range which their body naturally is "set" at, kind of like a thermostat. For this person, this is a weight that their body thrives best at. The body works very hard to stay within its set-point range, which is why most people have a hard time losing weight and an easy time gaining it back. That's not "lack of will power", that's the body trying it's hardest to be at the weight it's meant to be at! If you focus on tuning in to the signals your body is giving them and honoring those cues, and incorporate healthy habits into your life in ways that add satisfaction as well as nutrition, your weight will end up where it's meant to be.
So what should you do?
You should eat vegetables in ways that you enjoy. Vegetables are really good for you! (Don't eat salad without dressing. That's not very tasty or enjoyable and doesn't give you more vitamins or minerals, only less SATISFACTION.)
You should eat lots of foods that you enjoy! You should try to tune in and listen to your inner biological hunger and fullness cues- eat when your body is telling you it's hungry, and stop when your body is telling you you've had enough. Never mind what time it is or how recently you've had a meal or that you're going out for pizza with your friends later. Your body knows what you need to thrive, if you listen to it, it will let you know.
You should find a form of physical activity that you ENJOY. Physical activity is good for you! It helps strengthen your muscles and keeps you flexible. It helps your heart do its job. It helps keep your digestive system moving smoothly. And it helps boost your mood! All of these are worthwhile things to try to pursue with physical activity. What is not important is how many calories you burn, or how much you sweat, or the number on the scale - and on that note please, PLEASE, do not let yourself get into the habit of weighing yourself.
Your weight is really truly just a number. You are a precious, amazing human being. You are funny, smart, pretty, creative, thoughtful, and kind (I know I said that already but I think it's worth repeating.)
You should take care of your body, by eating nutritious foods (and a wide variety of foods that you enjoy, including those foods that health-obsessed people love to hate on) and doing physical activity... Because you deserve it. But never lose sight of the fact that your body is your ally. Work with your body, and never against it. Listen to the signals it gives you (that you're hungry, or full, or tired or need a break...) and honor them. Appreciate your body for what it enables you to do, even if you don't love how every part of it looks. Remember, this is the body that Hashem gave you-- whether you realize it or not, it is beautiful... And also it's really the least interesting thing about you.
Love,
Your aunt who hopes you see yourself as as beautiful as I see you
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